“It is God who judges; he puts down one and lifts up another.”

Quite a few people are surprised to find out that I’m a priest. Their surprise is no surprise to me. Being back in my hometown over the last few days has shown me a glimpse of who I used to be, through the eyes of others. Old stories come to the surface, laughs and embarrassing tales flood the room. We’re all together, we’re all seventeen again. And yet, we’re not. It’s a strange dichotomy here. On one hand, I feel like a kid again; on the other, I am very much the man I am. The kid and the man have come face to face. I like who I used to be, even with all the faults. I like who I am, even with all the faults. But mostly?

I am grateful for God’s ability to allow me to be me yet also serve Him.

People have a certain idea of who clergy should be. It varies from one to the next. Overall, I have noticed that those who knew me are surprised due to my past; the ones who meet me are surprised at some of my actions in the present. They don’t expect a priest who has a drink. They don’t expect to see him in a bar. They watch their language and apologize when a colorful expression slips out. I think it’s funny. If they only knew how imperfect we really are…well, those of us who don’t put on airs. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of holy women and men who don’t put on an act: They really are wonderful humans without many faults. But for the rest of us? Well…let’s just say there isn’t much that separates us from you.

I think the thing I’ve come to realize in the last couple of days is that God put down parts of my past life and lifted new life within me. That’s the beauty of faith. While we are completely changed, the paradox of still being ‘us’ exists. I think I’ve tried to kill too much of my previous iteration to be someone else—someone people will respect. Now? I am becoming more comfortable with who I am, past and present meeting one another and nodding in mutual respect. I want to be joyful, exuberant and hopeful. I’ve lost much of that in these last years. The worries of being ‘better’ overtake the joy of just being. Of being me.

If like me, you struggle with trying to be someone people will believe to be faithful, look in the mirror and know that God loves all parts of you. Only God can tell you what kind of Christian you are led to be. Not other people. Not clergy. Not your family. Just God. He will lift up new life within you, and me, and put down those things in our old lives that kept us from accepting His grace. His mercy. His love.

Let your inner kid meet your outer adult. I’ll bet you the embrace they share will merge you into someone you love again.

At least that’s what’s been happening to me…

Faithfully,

Fr. Sean+