“In you, O Lord, have I taken refuge; let be never be ashamed.”

Shame vs. Guilt. At a glance, they seem like synonyms; they are not. In the context of the opening line of Psalm 71, this clarity between the words come to life.

I hold guilt for certain deeds done in my past. Perhaps it isn’t healthy and I ‘should’ move on, I just don’t. Guilt isn’t something that gnaws at my soul for those things which I have done—yes, I know I have been forgiven. But guilt for hurting others, for harming myself by virtue of poor habits, and through the way in which I approached situations and reacted? I am guilty. I hold guilt. That is my burden, one I need to lay down. I will continue to work through this and attempt to allow grace to do what grace does…

Shame, however, is different. Shame is when I loathe myself for those actions and refuse grace. Shame causes me to hide from God, to turn away and refuse to face the prayer I know will end it. Again, as mentioned in one of my earlier writings, this is an arena in which the question of worth does combat. Shame disallows worthiness. Shame disregards grace. Shame is self-awareness lacking faith. While the psalmist is assuredly speaking to the action of taking cover from their enemies and seeking permission to not be ashamed of doing so, this other type of shame is applicable.

I hope to lay down my shame, my self-loathing, for sins committed. I pray for that forgiveness every day. Most of the time, I know and believe that I am forgiven. Yet there are occasions where I simply shut down and am blown about in shame’s maelstrom. To never be ashamed is a dream, a hope that I will be able to completely surrender to God and claim the grace freely given to me. That I will never again be ashamed.

In one of my favorite songs by the Avett Brothers, the chorus rings through my soul:

Shame, boatloads of shame
Day after day, more of the same
Blame, please lift it off
Please take it off, please make it stop

This song has become my prayer. God, whose grace is unceasingly surprising, please take my shame. Take my doubt. Make me an instrument of your grace and not a product of my own turmoil. Please, God, make it stop. Please.

I hope these words help any of you who feel shame. To know there are faithful others carrying shame is to know that you are not alone. May we pray the words above, together…May we never be ashamed, again.

Faithfully,

Fr. Sean+