“Friends are the family you choose.”

--Sean Ekberg, 2010

We stood in a circle, holding hands and prayed together for a meal. It was the first time I can remember praying with this particular group of people. There were around sixteen of us. At the end of the prayer, I thanked God for the friends surrounding one another and then said that line. I didn’t know it was already a bumper sticker. I just said it because I felt it.

I’m not writing on the psalms today. I’m writing on my own lamentations to God. The psalms were written in many ways; one of them was a way to express frustration and sadness over a loss or emptiness. Today, I feel that. I’ve been feeling it for quite some time to be honest; but today it really hit home. I’ve lost so many people in my life. Recently, I’ve lost not one, but two lifetime friends. Not to death, but to disagreement.

I’ve often been told that I should speak my truth to people and if they love me, they’ll accept it as intended and either disagree with love or ponder it. That hasn’t been my experience of late. I tried it. It failed. Which makes me question whether or not I should stay in a place of feeling like friendships were work or say something. The loss affects me. I know I’m not blameless, either. I’m certain I could’ve been better at points; I could’ve said things in a better way or listened better. But I’m also not completely at fault.

I have to live with my decisions, my actions, and my grief. I don’t seek condolences or platitudes. I seek betterment. I’ll take ownership for what I’ve done in the past but I also will allow grace to see me in the present. There will be new relationships on the horizon, of that I’m certain. They won’t hold the deep connections to my past, but they’ll come. A new family, a new beginning.

I hope that, if you’ve lost someone important to you due to disagreement, you don’t hold anger. I don’t. I hold hope. Hope that I can live more deeply into who I say I am rather than have a title without the lifestyle. I hope my friends—old and new, current and past—live with an abundance of love and grace, too. That’s what God calls me to do: To forgive, to be forgiven, to move forward, and to keep loving.

I hope you feel that, too.

Relationship severing of any kind hurts. For those of you out there who have experienced it, you are not alone. Whether at fault or not, you are still worthy of love. Know that. God loves you, and there’s a group of people out there with your name ready to be inscribed on their hearts, even if for just a season.

Love fully.

Faithfully,

Fr. Sean+